


now let me blow ya mind

by nervousbakedown



Category: Crooked Media RPF
Genre: Crack, Humor, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-18
Updated: 2018-06-18
Packaged: 2019-05-24 18:18:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,398
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14959701
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nervousbakedown/pseuds/nervousbakedown
Summary: A very drunk Jon and Tommy attempt to seduce Dan.





	now let me blow ya mind

Dan eventually makes it to the Crooked Christmas party — his flight was delayed a few hours, and his Uber to the club literally broke down halfway there, but he made it. When he walks in, he feels very old despite only being a few years older than Favs, Lovett, and Tommy. The bass of the music is thunderous and the lighting is so low, he can hardly see a damned thing.

He walks around, looking for his pod co-hosts and saying hi to staff members he’s come to know over the past year. Someone hands him a drink, and Dan doesn’t even bother to ask what it is before downing a big sip of it. 

Dan eventually finds Jon and Tommy sitting close together on a curved couch in the back. Jon hits Tommy’s shoulder and points when he sees Dan, so Tommy will look up and see him too. When Tommy does look up, his eyes go wide and he grins. 

“Dan!” Tommy shouts. He’s loud but the noise of everything else going on in the room almost cancels it out. 

“Dan!” Jon parrots. 

“Dan’s here!” Tommy says. Dan laughs and resists the urge to pinch the bridge of his nose. He steps closer to them, takes a look at their faces. They’re drunk as fuck.

“Dan. Is. Here,” Jon says. He shrugs and tells Tommy, “Told you he’d show up.”

“About time,” Tommy takes a sip of his drink. It’s a neon-blue color, the same as what Dan was handed. 

Jon scoots away from Tommy and Tommy pats the space he leaves. The song changes; Dan thinks it’s Ariana Grande now but he can’t be sure. 

“Come sit, Dan,” Tommy invites Dan in.

Dan can’t help but laugh as he humors them. He’s humored them a lot over the years, what’s one more time?

After setting his drink on the glass table in front of them, Jon angles his torso towards Dan and rests his elbow on the back of the couch. Dan watches him smirk that sideways smile, the one that breaks hearts and makes women shriek at their live shows, like he’s fuckin’ 1990s Brad Pitt.

“Hi, Dan,” Jon murmurs. 

“Hello,” Dan replies. He’s about to ask how the party is going when he senses Tommy move on his other side. Tommy copies Jon’s stance, leaning in towards Dan. Tommy purses his lips and blinks at Dan. Dan turns and gets a better look at Tommy, and Tommy’s looking at him with those blue shark eyes. 

“Hey, Dan,” Tommy says, loud but not quite shouting anymore. He smiles. “I’m glad you’re here.”

“I was about to say that,” Jon complains from Dan’s other side. It’s almost like Dan is wearing headphones. Two different dialogues are playing in each ear, left and right. “Unlike Tommy, I was worried you weren’t coming.”

“Hey, I so was worried,” Tommy says back, looking across Dan at Jon. In doing so, Dan’s shirt catches his attention — Tommy leans in a little closer and stares at the checked blue pattern of Dan’s button up. Obviously, he has enough alcohol in his system to make it look interesting.

Tommy stares at Dan’s chest for another moment or two, then looks up and meets Dan’s eyes. He looks shocked, his eyebrows knit together.

“Have you been working out?” Tommy asks.

“Um, no,” Dan replies.

“Oh,” Tommy says, completely serious. His eyebrows smooth back out; he leans back in his seat and starts to laugh.

Feeling confused at how to react, Dan turns to look at Jon. Jon’s mouth is open in shock. Dan watches him bring a hand up to cover it.

“What?” Dan says.

Jon’s eyes widen and he lowers his hand. He turns and looks around, conspiratorially, as though he’s making sure no one’s around to hear what he’s about to say. He then leans in close to Dan and whispers, “Tommy has a crush on you.”

“I do not!” Tommy retorts, his voice going higher than Dan’s ever heard it. 

“Tom, you shouldn’t lie, you’ll go to hell.”

Tommy scoffs, “Jon is the one with the crush on you, Dan.”

Jon makes a shocked expression again and leans over Dan, his chest touching Dan’s side, in an effort to get closer to Tommy, who he willfully separated himself from a few minutes ago. Or has it been longer? How long has Dan been sitting here? He looks down at his hand and finds his drink glass is empty.

Tommy makes his voice high pitched and raspy in a way that sounds like Jon but also doesn’t. “Yeah, he’s always like, ‘I’m so excited to talk to Dan about this’, or, ‘I wish Dan was here so we could ask him _yadda yadda yadda_.” 

“I don’t sound like some girl from the,” Jon pauses, mind working. He finally lands on what he wants to say and speaks slowly, like he’s still not sure, “From the _Valley_.”

Dan raises his shoulders and looks up at the ceiling. “What is happening?”

Jon looks Dan up and down now. He hums to himself and says, “I bet the San Francisco soccer moms are all over you.”

“I am happily married,” Dan reminds him.

Tommy puts his elbow back on the couch. He shares a glance with Jon and then sighs, looking at Dan. “Probably breaking hearts up and down the West Coast.”

Dan shakes his head. “I’m really not —”

“Dan, you’re taller than Tommy, right?” Jon asks.

“I’m — I think so?”

Jon knocks back the rest of his drink and makes a sound like he’s been hit. “Ooof.”

Turning his head, Dan finds Tommy fixated on him again. 

“Are you sure you haven’t been working out?” Tommy asks.

It takes Dan a second to realize Tommy is looking at his legs. This is confirmed for Dan when Jon smirks and says, “Look at those thighs.” He sounds like a snake with how he draws the final consonant out. 

A small, tiny part of Dan is flattered, but most of him is supremely and utterly confused. He throws his hands in the air.

“What is — just what are you two doing?”

The loud music fills the silence as Jon and Tommy look at each other for a moment.

“Sorry,” Jon pouts.

Tommy picks up where he leaves off, “You’re just —”

“Really hot.”

Dan laughs under his breath and looks between them.

“I thought neither of you had a crush on me.”

Tommy ducks his head, his cheeks flushing redder than they already are. Jon opens his mouth and says, “Uhh…”

Crossing his arms, Dan knows this is all only because they’re drunk. He’s known both Jon and Tommy for over a decade, there’s no way they have suddenly developed actual crushes on him. But, as he often does, he knows when to humor them and play along for their benefit.

“Well, I’ll be damned.”

Dan watches both of their faces light up, grinning, eyes glassy in the low light of the room. They exchange glances again -- they both look positively excited, as though they planned this and it all worked out how they wanted it to. 

Jon and Tommy spend a few moments looking at Dan through half-lidded eyes before Jon reaches out and puts his hand on Dan’s shoulder. On his other side, Tommy slowly curls his hand around Dan’s bicep. 

They both glance up at him. Jon bats his eyelashes and asks, “Will you come home with us Dan?”

Dan can’t help but laugh again. He tries to keep it contained, as to not hurt their feelings. He shakes his head as he reaches up and carefully pries Jon’s hand off his shoulder and sets it back in Jon’s lap. He does the same for Tommy’s hand, uncurling it from his arm and positioning it so it’s resting on Tommy’s own thigh. 

“No,” is all Dan says, flat and forceful.

Sighing, Jon tilts his head and makes eye contact with Tommy. “We tried.”

Dan can’t help but chuckle to himself. They’re amusing, he’ll give them that. “I — I commend your effort. You boys tried hard.”

“Thanks,” Jon and Tommy say at the same time. 

Dan needs to get another drink, so he amicably pats both of them on the knee at the same time as he stands up. 

As Dan’s walking away, he hears Jon say to Tommy, 

“You invited Josh, right?”


End file.
